Iqra Khan asked 6 years ago
Assalamu alaikum, dear brothers and sisters.
Im a 20 years old female born and raised in Germany with Pakistani roots. So my problem is that, I got engaged 3 years ago to my cousin in Pakistan. Even though I didn’t want it at this time. Because I was just there to attend a wedding.
It’s been almost 3 years but I don’t have an understanding with my fiance and also no respect for him. Personally I don’t have a problem if my parents would arranged my marriage or chose a guy for me.
But the only thing I wanted was an educated man which he is not. He also didn’t have the looks so I am not attracted to him. Education wise I will be in sha allah doing my Bachelors in laws. Because my parents told me from day one that education is very important. But choose a guy for me who is failed 10th class.
I don’t have the courage to talk with my father about it, because alhamdulillah he fulfilled every wish and dream from me. But I can’t talk with my mom either because I have the feeling she doesn’t understand me. Everytime when I try to explain why I didn’t want to marry him she does emotional black mail and says you dad did everything for you.
I think the reason is that he ist the son from my moms brother and the son from my dads sister. I never thought in my life my parents would do this to me. Once I told them I don’t want him because he is not educated enough my father told me. I should stop educate myself although he wanted it. It was his dream. They also told me once if I don’t marry their nephew.
I should find myself a guy and live on my own.
Jazakallah Khair
Molana Hafiz Muhammad Noman Zia Staff answered 6 years ago
Praise be to Allaah.
The presence of the wali (guardian) is one of the conditions of marriage, and a woman’s marriage is not valid unless this condition is met. This is the correct view and is the view of the majority of scholars. See question (Conditions of Walee)
The person who has the most right to be a woman’s guardian is her father, but if it is proven that he is not qualified for this role then it moves to the next closest relative, such as her grandfather. One of the shar’i conditions of marriage is the consent of the wife, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “A previously-married woman should not be married without consulting her and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how does she give her permission?” He said, “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4741; Muslim, 2543.
No one has the right to force a girl to marry anyone, but at the same time she does not have the right to get married without her guardian’s permission.
The presence of the guardian is an important condition for a marriage to be valid, but a girl should not be forced into marrying someone who she does not want to marry, and she is not regarded as disobeying her parents in this case. Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] said: “The parents do not have the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses he is not being disobedient, like eating something that he does not want.” Al-Ikhtiyaaraat, p. 344 It is not permissible for a woman to be made to marry someone she does not want. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: A previously-married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission. They said, O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given? He said, By her silence.(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6455).Aaishah reported that a girl came to her and said, My father married me to his brothers son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it]. Aaishah said, Sit here until the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women.(Reported by al-Nisaai, 3217). With regard to the conditions and qualities that should be present in the husband, the most important of these is religious commitment.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry [your daughter or female relative under your care] to him, for if you do not do that there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1005) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1084.
So, both the guardian and the woman must agree to the marriage. With regard to your request for our advice regarding the problem mentioned in the question, so long as this marriage has taken place, it is better for the woman to try to keep it going as much as she can, and to try to accept this husband. She should seek reward through pleasing her parents and also try to reform her husband through a gentle approach and praying for guidance for him.
And Allaah is the Source of Strength
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid